04092009

how does not being able to feel a thing feel like?
nothingness.
no joy, no sorrow, no love, no hate.
it doesnt feel right.
its as if you have no purpose in this world.
people exist for a purpose.
and the way they meet their purpose is through destiny.
as long as people are humans, theres no such thing as an empty shell.
even the most boring of humans would have a name.
freedom from emptiness is even better than freedom itself.

is this really the so-called lying to yourself?
cos as far as im concerned, ive lied alot.
even if my friends accept me the way i am, i change.
not that i want to.
i just do.
in time i just dont feel accepted.
its like i entered the wrong room although the door leads to my destiny.
i dont wanna be like this.
the weakling that i am.
the one who'll give up on smtg just because i think i cant do it alone.
the one who puts up a tough front but is really hurt.
the one who takes too much time thinking the unnecessary.

i looked at her across the cabin.
although we were barely 2 metres apart,
it felt like i was watching her from the sun.
when i said something, she couldn't hear me.
when i called her, she didn't answer.
when i looked at her, she wouldn't look at me.
are we just too far apart?
have i created a barrier only i can see?
are my words just meaningless to what i feel?
so i turned, and silenced myself in despair.

Happy birthday to my little sister btw if ure reading this.